UGH. 10-05-06 13:59
This heartache is just to much. Let me die.
I think there is a point when we all grow up. A point when your have a decision to make, and you know what the right, mature decision would be and so you make the mature decision even though its not the one you really want to take.

I had that decision to make last night. Unfortunatly, though I tried to make the right decision, I caved in.

Boy came over yesterday because we are still friends and can still hang out. But Boy still felt like he made a big mistake doing what he did. Boy was crying and telling me that he needed me and that he loved me and that he wanted to break up with Girl but he was scared of hurting her. ((Not to mention all of his friends, every single one of them, hate me, and becasue they hate me, they love her. and would be very mad at him. Though he doesn't like to adimit it, they have a ton of influence over him.))

But whatever. Because Im still in adult decision making mode, I'm still in do whatever you need to do, im trying to do whats best for me, and i'm not trying to sit around and wait for you mode. He's crying, and i hug him, i tell him im sorry that hes hurting, and then, oh no. we kiss. but as im kissing his neck, a thought comes to mind. An evil stupid thought. But being an adult, making adult decisions, I decide against leaving a mark on his neck.

I stop and look at him and as if he read my mind he said: "Are you goign to leave a hickey?" haha. I said "no, as much as I hate her, as much as i would love to see her face when she saw it, this isn't about you or her. This is about me. And how can i expect to move on, feel better, if im sitting around trying to think of ways to hurt the both of you. It would only hurt me more, cause me more problems, cause me more drama." and then to my suprise, he asked me to do it. I still said no, but eventually gave in. and now hes going to school with a huge ass hickey on his neck, and i've got one to match.

what did I do?
All I want 10-04-06 14:46
Is for someone to read my last blog, and leave me some advice, give me their insight on the situation.
For A Minute 10-04-06 14:11
Thats all that this blog will be. I created this blog because right now at this very moment, i need to blog. I have things I need to say, and this could quite possibly be my last post here.

Today is the 4th of october. A wednesday. Damn wednesdays.

So this post will cover sunday through wednesday of this week. *sigh*

So on Sunday I got into a fight with the love of my life, (and by "love of my life," I really mean "my boyfriend of a 1 year and 3 months" and everything came crashing down around me.

we went on a "break" with promises to try and better the realtionship. Promises of love, and homecoming dances of this, my senior year. Everything felt ok. Till Monday.

I went to his house so we could hang out, but he was acting weird. Lets call him "Boy". Boy was ascting funny. I fell asleep while he was cleaning the dishes and was woke by his hand for him to say he was going over to a friends house. A friend that hates me. Friends who hate him, yet love him when its convenient to hurt me.

So I leave, crying of course. Ah the power of persuaion and peer pressure.

So he calls that night, and we talk, an thats when I find out the real truth, the heart crushing, blood draining, horribly terrible truth. In fact he doesn't want this break. In fact, he took this break in order to seperate himself from this relationship permanatly. He wanted this break in order to put himself into a different realtionship. One with the love of his life (and by "love of his life", I mean "the girl he dated for 4 days some years ago.")

And so there goes the promises of bettering the realtionship, there goes the promises of the homecoming dance, and there goes all the love. In fact, he hasn't been in love with me for some time. to which my silent reply is: Oooooh! I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, I must have mistaken your "I love you, your the most beautiful girl in the world and I am so lucky to be with you." as some kind of confession to your love for me. My bad.

so now school is almost unbareable. Seeing Boy walk through the hallways holding hands with Girl. I thought I must have died in my sleep monday night becasue all of the sudden, it seemed I was
invisible, but then i'm crudly reminded by his friends that they in fact can see me, they make a point of letting me know im noticed when they point and laugh at me as if my pain is funny.

So Boy calls me last night and says to me "I seen your blog." A blog that i had posted on myspace. boy was mad at me because I was going to homecoming with another guy. A guy that Boy happens to hate. A guy who has been crushing on me for 4 years.
Whats a heartbroken lady such as myself to do? I wouldn't want to hurt Boys feelings, so i should probably cancel my homecoming... No.

So I tell boy that I am sorry for what he did to me. I'm sorry that he was able to turn away from a year long relationship and get with his ex-girlfriend the very next day. I tell boy that I am sorry that he was able to move on so quickly, and that I am just doing the best I can. after all, its just a homecoming date. Im not walking down the hallways, hands clasped with another, kissing before every class.

We talk more, Boy crys. I cry too, but Boy will never know. Boys make a confession. Boy says to me "What have I done? I think I made the biggest mistake of my life." And I do nothing to make him feel better. I tell him that everyone makes mistakes and that he just needs to learn from them. I told Boy that it was up to him to fix his mistake, and if hes going to, he should do it beofre its too late. To which Boy's reply was: "How log do I have?"

My reply was "It's not my time limit to set. and then we said goodnight."

What do you make of this?
Life is this I suppose.
Hello, 10-04-06 13:45
My name is josiegrosie. I'm new to elowel.